Tab Out

Have another drink to numb the pain you feel, fill the void. Feel it in your blood, you become the you beneath the skin...the one who talks to everyone, who says everything, who doesn't care. Doesn't care that everything around you has changed, you have changed, have become something you don't like. Light a cigarette and breathe it in slowly, let it permeate your lungs and blow it out, watch it float away and disappear. Disappear the way you did that day so long ago.

You do it and it feels wrong, feels wrong but feels so right. You're throwing yourself around...you know it doesn't mean anything but you do it just to feel something, anything. What once was has now become an empty shell. Use and be used. You are a love whore. This is all that you deserve. This is all he wants from you and this is all you want. Wash your face and hands and walk out the door.

You betray everyone.

Real Love

I've been doing a lot of thinking. There's been so much talk about "love" and what it means to love a person. Forgive me if much of what I'm about to say is random...this is a blog, not an English paper. This is also going to be controversial. It's late, and I feel like speaking my mind.

Sometimes, actually MOST of the time, I believe that Christians do not love people the way we are supposed to. We are all guilty of this...no matter which denomination you are under, if you are non-denominational, whatever. We, as Christians, are too judgmental. About a month ago, one of my brother's friends was killed in an incredibly tragic accident. You may have heard about it, he was hit by 3 cars while trying to cross 169 on foot. I never expected an event to affect me in such a profound way as this has. This event was, of course, awful. Thank God this boy knew Jesus. Here's where the controversy comes in: the boy was :::gasp::: gay.

So what does this mean? This is a question I grappled over for days and weeks following the death. For those of you who don't know (and I am being completely open and honest here), my brother thinks he is gay. My personal belief is that homosexuality is wrong. Anything that is so blatently stated in the Bible as being wrong is, well, wrong. Do I still love my brother? Absolutely. Do I love his lifestyle choice? Absolutely not. Do I think gay people who love Christ and are searching for the TRUTH just like the rest of us are going to hell? ... I honestly don't think so.

What was the purpose of Christ dying for our sins if not to save us from ourselves and our sinful nature? I allowed myself to overeat during an extremely depressing time of my life. As a result, I gained 30 + pounds. Gluttony=sin. I have been drunk. I have lusted. I've lied. I've cheated. WE ALL SIN. We all engage in sin willingly. I will NEVER support my brother's decision to live a homosexual lifestyle. But does God still love Him? Of course. I would be a liar if I said I repented after every sin.

I attended this boy's funeral a couple of weeks ago. It truly was tragic. He was 14. He, like my brother, had suffered depression in the past. People and other students who loved him were kind enough to show him that God loved him. As a result of that, this boy was involved in a local church and actually assisted with their multimedia program. He was shown God's love and he loved God.

A couple of days after the funeral, I was driving in my car with the windows down in a very somber mood. My iPod was on shuffle and some song by The Shins came on...The Shins always make me happy. It felt like God was giving me a hug, telling me it was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay...with me, with my brother, with life. After all, God brought me through the hardest time of my life, he would bring me and my brother through this. I often have many questions for God. "Why our family? Why my brother? Why does he feel this way?"
In that moment though, I felt very convicted. A boy who had been close to my brother was gone, and I had made no effort to get to know this boy because he had been gay. How awful and hypocritical. How very "Christian" of me. Typical of many Christians, actually. My heart was full and aching for the loss of this child. I've never felt so broken over a death. I should have loved him more.

That's all we can do, as Christians, you know, is love one another. Not all of us are called to be preachers and teachers, but we are all called to love. The most influence we can ever have on a person and the best witness we can have is to just love people. No matter what. I realize many of you will disagree with me and think that I am being too tolerant. What I have to say to you people is that none of you know what it is like until you are in this kind of situation.

Previous controversy aside, thinking about loving one another got me to thinking about other aspects of my life where loving others is lacking. Loving someone means not talking negatively about them, no matter what the wrong. Loving someone can mean saying no. Loving someone means calling them once in awhile, praying for someone, sitting in silence and being in their presence, being there for them during a difficult time, not preaching at someone when you want to. Loving someone means being honest.

Basically it all comes down to LOVE. Not being "holier than thou" or feeling superior because you are so free from sin and someone else is not. Love is love no matter the circumstances. Believe what you believe. But love people, no matter your differences. Just love people.

Katie

In memory of J.D.G. May 18th 1994-Feb. 15th 2009.

Rut

Main Entry:
3rut
Function:
noun
Etymology:
perhaps modification of Middle French route way, route
Date:
1552
1 a: a track worn by a wheel or by habitual passage b: a groove in which something runs c: channel , furrow2: a usual or fixed practice ; especially : a monotonous routine

My Top Ten Favorite Songs

A little late, but I think Jacob will understand. ;-) This is in no particular order. It was VERY hard to narrow down a list. But I owe this to Jacob!

10. Over the Hills and Far Away - Led Zeppelin
I have often said that this song would be played in my wedding. A non-traditional choice, I know. I love Jimmy Page's guitar style; the intro remains one of my favorite. It's haunting, it's beautiful, it's upbeat, and it rocks. I've heard it a zillion times yet I still crank the radio if it happens to be on.

9. Jolene - The White Stripes
This is my favorite White Stripes song ever. Originally a Dolly Parton song, Jack White's version is far superior. Extremely haunting and emotional. Jack's voice is penetrating. You can literally FEEL the lyrics as he sings them. Just one of the many reasons I consider The White Stripes one of my favorite bands. Amazing song.

8. Because - The Beatles
Do I really need to explain myself here? The Beatles rock, period. I could've picked any Beatles song, really, but I just love this one.

7. Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young - Suite Judy Blue Eyes
Love this song, especially the version from the Woodstock album. Download it. Better yet, watch the performance from the film. Classic.

6. Weezer - El Scorcho
From arguably Weezer's best album Pinkerton, although at the time probably the least popular. This is probably the most different-sounding Weezer album. I've got a soft spot in my heart for the old Weez. Reminds me of driving around with my BFF in the fall. Fun song. Gosh darn you half-Japanese girls!

5. The Who - A Quick One, While He's Away
A rock opera of mini proportions! Listen to it.

4. Badly Drawn Boy - The Shining
Classic BDB. Reminds me of a cold day, sipping hot tea or coffee and reading a good book. Lovely, lovely song. He has so many good ones but this is probably the best introduction to his music.

3. Simon and Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence
Another song that doesn't require much explanation. One of the more defining songs of the '60's. Never gets old.

2. The Strokes - Reptilia
With so many amazing Strokes songs to pick from, how do you choose just one? I'll tell you how: see them in concert and try not to freak out when they play this song. Great video too. One of the better bands I've seen live. Ever.

1. The Shins - Kissing the Lipless
Also difficult to pick a favorite Shins song, since I love them all. But after much deliberation, I chose Kissing the Lipless. Every time I hear it I get transported back to the very first time I heard it and knew I was hearing something great. Their music and lyricism is very unique and special.

There is no way I can limit my top songs to a list of ten, but I gave it a good try. I'd like to hear what you think of this list as well as your top ten songs.

New Starts

I'm not gonna lie: I've made some PRETTY STUPID decisions in my life. Sometimes we make decisions out of ignorance, laziness, or thoughtlessness...and sometimes our decisions are made out of life circumstances that our beyond our control. The point is, YOU and I are the only ones who can make our own decisions. Once the decision is made, there's no turning back, and we have to accept the consequences that follow our actions.

In my case, there was a certain amount of wallowing that I had to do. I've been through a really dark period of my life, and I survived. Sure, I made a mistake, but that mistake doesn't have to define who I am. It's up to me now to create a new start for myself. Life situations that arise are just a small part of a bigger story. I'm determined that this isn't going to be something that weighs me down for the rest of my life...it's part of me, but it's a part of me that is stronger. I feel like I know myself better. I've been given perspective. I've broadened my horizons outside of what I know. God has been with me every step of the way, I've felt His guidance in every decision I've made this past month or so. My faith is stronger, I turn to Him now more than ever.

It's going to be a good second half of the year, I can feel it. I'm ready.

Worst Week Ever (Next Week Will be Better!)

I'm not exaggerating, this was one of the worst weeks I've ever endured. I mean honestly, I never thought that I would let myself be so affected by someone's words. If you know me well, you know that I'm a sensitive person to begin with. I almost always know when you're joking around with me versus when you're being real with me.

The reason I say this is because I had a person in authority (a tenured teacher in the Education Department, specifically) tell me, through email no less, exactly what she thinks of me. I have her for two classes in a row, and I have been struggling a little bit with the first class. I knew I needed help, so I e-mailed her asking if there is anything I can do to help redeem my grade, and if she had any advice for me that would help me out. She said,

• you are unprofessional
• you are careless
• you don't listen
• you are unorganized
• you will get fired once you are hired for a job and your boss sees how unprofessional you are

I mean, what am I supposed to think of that? It's not like I'm not here e-mailing you, asking for help or anything! It's not like you don't have me for another class (which I have an "A" in, by the way) and haven't seen me succeed. I mean, there is nothing in this e-mail whatsoever that was caring or constructive in the slightest. I know that I definitely have had some shortcomings in this class, I know that I could've given more effort if I had really, really wanted to at times...But how does that justify her in telling me that I am basically worthless in the Education field and that I should give up while I'm ahead??? If I wasn't meant for a career in teaching, then somebody should've given me that snippet of advice a hell of a lot sooner than the semester before my final internship.

I know that I'm no honor student. But I stayed up all night one night slaving over a paper for her class because I knew that she was going to be hard on me. I made it perfect. It was golden. And what did I get for it? A note that said, "Unacceptable" and "Follow directions" when the directions were followed to exact specifications. I don't know what I can do to give me a good grade in that class except bust my butt and hope that she thinks it's good enough for her.

Many thanks to the friends who had to listen to me cry off and on all week, even though I didn't really tell many of you. It was such a painful ordeal that I didn't really want to rehash the story over and over again, so in some cases, I just didn't tell it. I mostly tried to keep to myself this week, I had a lot of deep reflective thinking to do. I mean, you can't be told something like that from a professor in authority and not take it to heart. This has really shaken me to the core, and it will probably take me awhile to recover from it. But I am determined to have a better week next week.

By the way, that teacher is retiring next semester. If only I had been so lucky.

Spring Forward

I have to admit, as much as I hate that I lost an hour, I really am quite fond of the time change. So we're about a month early, it does seem a bit weird. However, I couldn't be happier about the fair weather and the extra hours of daylight! We're beginning what is my absolute favorite time of year...pretty weather, fresh air, sunlight, spring break, and my birthday. Hooray!

I'm definitely ready for Spring Break. Yeah, I'll be working, but it is going to be way nice not to have to go to school for a whole week. Last week was CRAZY. Everyday was: "Get up. Class. Work-out. Go to work. Go to class. Go to meeting. Do homework. Go to bed. Start over." Every day! I'm hoping that this week will be less hectic.

Even though life has been crazy lately, I'm trying to find time to sit back and really enjoy it. Pretty soon this phase of my life will be over, I'll have a real job and real responsibilities. Well, I have real responsibilities now, but you know what I mean. I look back at High School and think, "Wow, I didn't know how good I had it." I was just thinking, one day I'll be rushing around doing stuff and I know I'll stop and think back to college and think the same thing.